A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.

The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).

Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.

The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins).

Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).

The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual.

When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks rasins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.

He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. “Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

“I am.” said the man.

“I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said, “which one would you like?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one.”

“No, no, no, get the brown one.” the man’s wife said.

“Here’s your chicken.” said the farmer.

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said incredulously. “But I usually just put my car in park.”

A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot. He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.

The called said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, “Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can’t come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone.”

Q: What do you do to an elephant with three balls?

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhinoceros!

A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says, “You shouldn’t be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal.”

The pirate says, “Arr, it’s ok, he’s had his shots.”

Then the bartender says, “I was talking to the parrot!”