Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father.

“The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ and I said ’6′”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?’”

“What’s the blankety-blank difference?”

“That’s exactly what I said!”

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: You wanna go ride bikes!!!

Children Joke 2
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. “Davy, what noise does a cow make?” “It goes moo.” “Alice, what noise does a cat make?” “It goes meow.” “Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?” “It goes baaa.” “Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?” “Errr.., it goes.. click!”

Children Joke 3
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.

Children Joke 4
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride’s side and the groom’s side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said, “I was being the ring bear.”

Children Joke 5
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,”I m Janey Sugarbrown.” The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,”Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?” With her mother standing just a few feet away, the little girl replied, “I thought I was, but Mommy says I m not.”

Children Joke 6
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. “Mommy, look what I found,” the boy called out. “What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy’s voice he answered: “It’s Adam’s clothes!!!!!”

Children Joke 7
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke to the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald s. May I take your order?”

Children Joke 8
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord’s prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail, Amen.”

Children Joke 9
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?” As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?” She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

Children Joke 10
On a special teacher’s day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is – flowers!” “That’s right!” said the boy, “but how did you know?” “Just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is – a box of candy!” “That’s right! But how did you know?” asked the girl. “Just a lucky guess,” said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied. The teacher then said, “I give up, what is it?” The boy replied, “A puppy!”

Children Joke 11
A man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy’s efforts for some time, the man moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the childs level, the man smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” The boy replies, “Now we run!”

Children Joke 12
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly by the hand upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. “First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse”, she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. “O.K., now take off my skirt”, and he takes off her skirt. “Now take off my bra”, which he does. “And now, Johnny, please take off my panties”. Johnny finishes removing these too. His mother then says, “Johnny, please don’t wear any of my clothes to school anymore!”

Children Joke 13
A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked. “That’s a daddy long legs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a mommy long legs?” the little girl asked. “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy long legs.” The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, we re not having any of THAT in our garden.”

Children Joke 14
Tyler was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick. Five minutes later Tyler returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted. The teacher sat Tyler down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Tyler looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, “I can’t find it.” Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for a while, to help him find the bathroom. So, Tommy and Tyler go together and five minutes later they both return r\nand sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?” Tommy is quick with his reply, “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”

Children Joke 15
Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond of fish. She was also rather deaf, which was great for the children in her class. “What Mrs Smith needs,” said one of her colleagues, “is a herring-aid.”

Children Joke 16
Why was the lightning bug unhappy? Because her children were not very bright.

Children Joke 17
Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps? Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

Children Joke 18
What were you before you came to school, boys and girls? asked the teacher, hoping that someone would say “babies.” She was disappointed when all the children cried out, “Happy!”

Children Joke 19
Boy: Grandma, do you know how to croak. Grandma: No, I don’t think so. Why? Boy: Because Daddy says he ll be a rich man when you do.

Children Joke 20
Mother: Did you get a good place in the geography test? Fred: Yes, Mum, I sat next to the cleverest kid in the class.

Children Joke 21
Fred: Where does the new kid come from? Harry: Alaska. Fred: Don’t bother – I ll ask her myself.

Children Joke 22
A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York. At last one man could stand it no longer. “Hey kid,” he shouted. “Why don’t you go outside and play?”

Children Joke 23
I had a funny dream last night, Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake, but when I woke up I found I was asleep.

Children Joke 24
Young Vestal was walking in his Florida backyard when an alligator bit him. “Mama!” yelled the boy. “A gator jus bit off mah foot!” “Which one?” called his mother from inside the cabin. “How the hell should Ah know?!” he shrieked. “They all look alike to me!”

Children Joke 25
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happen?, ” gasped her mother. “It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him!”

Children Joke 26
A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating abag of chocolates an old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won`t live very long; indignantly the kid says ” oh yeah my grandfather lived to be 104 years old” the old man replies “i m sure he did kid.but it wasn`t from eating all that chocolate “oh no sir” says the kid, it was by minding his own business !

Children Joke 27
Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus ? He ended up in a flea circus !

Children Joke 28
What’s the matter son? The boy next door said I look just like you? What did you say? Nothing he’s bigger than me !

Children Joke 29
A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. What’s wrong ? asked his mother. Do people really come from dust, like they said in church ? he sobbed. In a way they do, said his mother. And when they die do the turn back to dust ? . Yes, they do. The little boy began to cry again. Well, under my bed there

Children Joke 30
A man out for a walk came across a little boy pulling his cat’s tail. Hey you! he shouted, don’t pull the cat’s tail ! I m not pulling ! replied the little boy.

Children Joke 31
Did you hear about the two little boys who found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ? Quick, said one, run ! Before they say we did it !

Children Joke 32
A little boy went into a baker’s How much are those cakes ? he asked Two for 25 cents, said the baker How much does one cost ? asked the boy 13 cents, said the baker Then I

Children Joke 33
Did you hear about the boy who was known as Fog ? He was dense and wet !

Children Joke 34
You boy ! called a policeman. Can you help ? We re looking for a man with a huge red nose called Cotters…… Really ? said the boy. What re his ears called ?

Children Joke 35
As two boys were passing the rectory, the minister leaned over the wall and showed them a ball. “Is this yours” he asked “Did it do any damage” asked one of the boys “No” replied the minister “Then it’s mine !”

Children Joke 36
Two boys camping out in a backyard wanted to know the time, so they began singing at the top of their voices. Eventually one of the neighbours threw open his window and shouted down at them “Hey, less noise!, don’t you know it’s three o clock in the morning!”

Children Joke 37
Will and Bill were quarrelling about whose father was the stronger. Will said, Well, you know the Pacific Ocean ? My father’s the one who dug the hole for it. Bill wasn’t impressed, Well, that’s nothing. You know the Dead Sea ? My father’s the one who killed it !

Children Joke 38
Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. Would you like another cookie ? she asked. Yes, please, replied Jimmy. What good manners you have, said his Gran. I do like to hear young people say please and thank you

Children Joke 39
Mum: Haven’t you finished filling the salt shaker yet ? Son: Not yet. It’s really hard to get the salt through all those little holes !

Children Joke 40
Why are you crying, Ted ? asked his mum. Because my new sneakers hurt. That’s because you have put them on the wrong feet. But they are the only feet I have.

Children Joke 41
Ben’s dad was building a pine bookshelf and Ben was watching and occasionally helping. What are the holes for ? Ben asked. They re knot holes, said his dad. What are they, then, if they re not holes ? asked Ben.

Children Joke 42
Dick and Jane were arguing furiously over the breakfast table. Oh you re so stupid! shouted Dick. Dick! said their father, that’s quite enough of that! Now say you re sorry. OK,

Children Joke 43
Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears!

Children Joke 44
William, I’ve been told that you have been fighting with the boys next door, said mum. yes, but they re twins, so I wanted some way to tell the apart.

Children Joke 45
Eddie’s father called up to him, Eddie, if you don’t stop playing that trumpet I think I ll go crazy! Eddy replied, I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago.

Children Joke 46
George knocked on the door of his friend’s house. When his friend’s mother answered he asked, can Albert come out to play? No, said the mother, it’s too cold. Well, then, said George,

Children Joke 47
Mum, yelled Johnny from the kitchen, you know that dish you were always worried that I would break ? Yes dear, what about it ? Well your worries are over.

Children Joke 48
A certain little boy had been spanked by his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that evening, the boy called out sulkily, Mum ! your husband’s just come home.

Children Joke 49
John kept pestering his parents to buy a video, but they said they couldn’t afford one. So one day John came home clutching a package containing a brand-new video. Where in the World did you get the money to pay for that ? asked his father suspiciously. It’s OK, Dad, replied John, I’ve traded the TV in for it.

Children Joke 50
Mum, there’s a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk’s Home. Shall I give him Grandma ?

Children Joke 51
Two girls were talking in the corridor. That boy over there is getting on my nerves, said Clarrie. But he’s not even looking at you, replied Clara. That’s What’s getting on my nerves, retorted Clarrie.

Children Joke 52
A little girl was next in line. My name’s Curtain, she said. I hope your first name is not Agnate ? No, it’s velvet !

Children Joke 53
On the first day at school the girls were sizing each other up and boasting, trying to make good impressions on each other. I come from a one-parent family, said one little girl proudly. That’s nothing. Both my parents remarried after they got divorced. I come from a four parent family !

Children Joke 54
Mother: I told you not eat cake before supper. Daughter: But, Mum, it’s part of my homework. If you take an eighth of a cake from a whole cake, how much is left.

Children Joke 55
Mary arrived home from school covered in spots. Whatever’s the matter ? asked her mother. I don’t know, replied Mary, but the teacher thinks I may have caught decimals.

Children Joke 56
Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted ? Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.

Children Joke 57
Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your whistle. Your father can’t read his paper. Jackie: Wow, I m only eight and I can read it

Children Joke 58
Trevor: That’s a cool pair of stockings you have on Jill. One red and one green. Jill: Yes, and I have another pair just like it at home.

Children Joke 59
Mandy was applying for a summer job. How old are you? asked the owner of the store. I m twelve years old, Sir, answered Mandy. And what do you expect to be when you grow up ? Twenty one, Sir.

Children Joke 60
The second grader was in bed with a cold and high temperature. How high is it, Doctor? she wanted to know. One hundred and three, said the doctor. What is the world record?

Children Joke 61
Jennifer: Are you coming to my party ? Sandra: No, I ain t. Jennifer: Now, you know what Miss told us. Not ain t. It’s I am not coming, he is not coming, she is not coming, they are not coming. Sandra: Blimey, ain’t nobody coming ?

Children Joke 62
Grandma: You’ve left all your crusts, Mary. When I was your age I ate every one. Mary: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Mary: Well, you can have mine.

Children Joke 63
Teacher: “Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” Student: “So we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

Children Joke 64
Why did the nutty kid throw a glass of water out of the window? He wanted to see a waterfall.

Children Joke 65
Why did the nutty kid throw butter out of the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.

Children Joke 66
The teacher asked Simon to say his name backwards. “No mis” he replied

Children Joke 67
Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his teacher told him how he felt. I feel with my hands Miss !

Children Joke 68
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, “You mean you can do all that, but you can’t operate my Game Boy?”

Children Joke 69
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, “Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?” Her grandson replied, “You know grandma, it’s like on TV, The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.”

Children Joke 70
A father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” “Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies To this his friend responds, “Strange ambition to have for a career.” “Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

Children Joke 71
Father: What did you learn in school today ? Son: That three and three are seven. Father: Three and three are six ! Son: I guess I didn’t learn anything today then !

Children Joke 72
Father: You’ve got 4 D’s and a C on your report. Son: “Maybe I concentrated too much on the one subject !”

Children Joke 73
Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is, Mother, but don’t show it to Dad. He’s been helping me !

Children Joke 74
Mum: From now on your going to have free school dinners. Son:But, Mum, I don’t want three school dinners, one is more than enough !

Children Joke 75
Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you’ve only drawn the cow ? Pupil: Yes, the cow ate all the grass !

Children Joke 76
Son to his father as they watch television: “Dad, tell me again how when you were a kid you had to walk all the way across the room to change the channel.”

Children Joke 77
A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard. “I always knew God would take care of us,” said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home. “I like to hear you say that,” beamed the mother. “Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us.” “Oh, I wasn’t talking about THAT God,” the five year old interrupted. “I was talking about the COAST God.”

Children Joke 78
After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car. “What’s the matter Johnny?” asked his concerned mother. Johnny replied: “that man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home…I just want her to stay with you guys.”

Children Joke 79
Little Johnny’s class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, “it was so nice of you to put my daddy’s picture up there.”

Children Joke 80
A schoolteacher was trying to teach her six-year old class students how to say the pledge of allegiance to the flag. The schoolteacher said, O.K. children begin by putting your hand over your little heart and repeat with me, I pledge allegiance to the HOLD IT! HOLD IT! Johnny, why is your hand over your butt cheek instead of your heart? Johnny relied! I can t. Teacher asks, why not? Well you see, when my ant comes over to pick me up and pats my bottom and says, BLESS YOUR LITTLE HEART!!!!!!

Some of these are hilarious, a must read.

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom’s youngest child, even if he’s 42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.

“BECAUSE”: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom’s other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See “DAD’S UNDERWEAR.”

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See “WISHFUL THINKING.”

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

“EXCUSE ME”: One of Mom’s favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be “putout” by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question “What’s for dinner tonight?” See “SARCASM”

FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be like when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom’s kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

“I SAID SO”: Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends’ homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad’s stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An “exaggeration” Mom uses to transform her child’s papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See “Kids’ Friends”

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc., which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look “cheap.”

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it’s turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

“MOMMMMMMM!”: The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom’s favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children’s mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom’s nickname for Dad.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don’t eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they’re buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it’s in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear “the geeky thing.”

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids’ faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children’s clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has
yet to understand her child’s “special needs.”

TERRIBLE TWO’S: Having both kids at home all summer.

“THAT WAY”: How kids shouldn’t look at moms if they know what’s good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOWELS: See “FLOOR COVERINGS”

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See “BUBBLE BATH”

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be “Just like Daddy.”

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

“WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME”: Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid’s lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over and over, all day long! See also “DRUMS”

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kid’s outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can’t bear to part with.

“YIPPEE!”: What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also “YAHOO!”

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport.

After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he’d have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

“How come?,” his nephew asked.

“My plane has been grounded,” Brendan explained.

“Grounded?” the little boy said. “I didn’t know planes had parents.”