Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son… what happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after three in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you threw-up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,’Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

Snowman Joke 1
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!

Snowman Joke 2
What do you get if you cross King Kong with a snowman? Frostbite.

Snowman Joke 3
Q: What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib? A: A snowmobile!

Snowman Joke 4
What do Snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Snowman Joke 5
Where do Snowmen go to dance? To snowballs.

Snowman Joke 6
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I m a snowman. Doctor: Keep cool !

Snowman Joke 7
What is a snowman’s favorite book ? War and Frozen Peas !

Snowman Joke 8
Why did a anowman send his father to Siberia? Because he wanted frozen pop !

Snowman Joke 9
What would you get if you crossed a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite !

Snowman Joke 10
How does a Snowman get to work? By icicle.

Snowman Joke 11
Where does a snowman put his birthday candles? On his birthday flake!

Snowman Joke 12
What do snowmen wear on their heads ? Ice caps !

Snowman Joke 13
What do snowmen eat for lunch ? Icebergers !

Snowman Joke 14
Where do snowmen go to dance ? Snowballs !

Snowman Joke 15
How do snowmen travel around ? By iceicle !

Snowman Joke 16
How do you know when there is a snowman in your bed ? You wake up wet !

Snowman Joke 17
What do you get if cross a snowman and a shark ? Frost bite !

Snowman Joke 18
What two letters of the alphabet do snowmen prefer ? I.C. !

Snowman Joke 19
Where do snowmen keep their money ? In a snowbank !

Snowman Joke 20
What did the snowman order at MacDonalds ? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !

Snowman Joke 21
What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.

Snowman Joke 22
What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.

Snowman Joke 23
What happened when the icicle landed on the sowmman’s head? It knocked him cold.

Snowman Joke 24
Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,

Snowman Joke 25
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Snowman Joke 26
Where do snowmen put their webpages? On the winternet.

Snowman Joke 27
How do snowmen read their e-mails? With an icy-stare!

Snowman Joke 28
What kind of money do snowmen use? Iced lolly.

Snowman Joke 29
Who doesn’t like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.

Snowman Joke 30
Why was the snowman’s dog called Frost? Because Frost bites.

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a**holes from IRS sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible …Those mean little sh*ts

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird

Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year… now you know the reason
I found me a blonde… I’m going SOUTH for the season!!

Rudolph the red nosed wino,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you got too close to him,
He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,
Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of Christmas story.

Frosty the cokehead was a crazed neurotic soul,
With a big glass pipe and a vial of crack,
And no sense of self control.

There must have been some poison in that last dime bag he got,
For when he took his first big hit he dropped dead on the spot.

Frosty the cokehead doesn’t worry anymore,
Cuz when all is said, and your cold and dead,
Then you never have to score.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
Air defences were up, with electronic eyes.
Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we’d heeded:
An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
“Alert status red!” went the word down the wire,
As we gave every system the codes that meant “FIRE!”

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk!
And scramble our fighters–let’s send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard!
Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer’s parachute.

Now it isn’t quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
For the Spirit of Christmas can’t hope to evade
All the web of defences we’ve carefully made.

But a crash program’s on: Working hard, night and day,
All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.
So let’s wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
For the future has hope: Santa’s coming by stealth!

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor a few weeks before Christmas.

She gets into the tattooists chair and tells the tattoo artist, “I want two Christmas tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.”

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, “Lady, I’ll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?”

“Well, if you really want to know,” she firmly answers, “I’m sick and tired of my husband telling me that there’s never anything to eat between the Christmas holiday.”

A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What denomination?” asks the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist.”

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily

Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful! With undying love, as always,
Emily

Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they’re lovely.
Your devoted,
Emily

Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly – they make telephoning almost impossible – but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily

Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humour. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.
Bless you,
Emily

Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?
Love,
Emily

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don’t exist!

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
Lost.

What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want. He can’t hear you!

What do you call it when your Christmas tree explodes?
A tannen-bomb. (tannenbaum)

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month?
The letter “D”.

What happened when Santa’s cat swallowed a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.

What’s red and white and red and white and red and white?
Santa Claus rolling down a hill.

Where did the mistletoe go to become rich and famous?
Holly-wood.

Why did Frosty go to live in the middle of the ocean?
Because snow man is an island.

Buy me a beer if you want the story told of why I moved down South from the frost and cold.

Why I'm knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills.

Why I've given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills.

Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells –And why I'll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell.

You'll never see this elf make angels in snow.

Hey thanks for the booze ? so I guess here it goes: "Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul. Santa's house appeared eerily silent But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent. This workshop of toys for kids of all ages Was filled with elves quaking in cages.

Who woke up from their long winter's naps To find themselves snared in a devious trap. Hours before I had been bingeing on nog
Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga.

I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages. Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages. Then what to my horrified eyes should appear But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear.

Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots.

That this monster was Santa, no one could refute. His size and his beard gave him away as St. NickHis fangs and his scales made me quite sick Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim. "Come little helper! Climb into my maw!"He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw.

He greedily sucked the imp's hide off the bone I was awed! I was scared! I was truly alone!

Dainty elf paws clutched bars and criedDrunk on deinal; confounded by why. (He lost his count during his murderous spree Thought he'd rounded up most, but forgot about me!) His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame With a crippling appetite that didn't know shame."Don't eat us! We love you! Look at our faces!"The doomed little elves made their sad cases

But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist Pulled out some parchment and started a list:"Silence, you nuggets ? I'm trying to think Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink.

Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfryWho to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie"These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man Who held the dreams of children in his hands Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal, That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices.

And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices These prices are paid by the magical gnomes Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes.

The payment's a life ? one for each holiday sin.

Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins. Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny Or an April Fool's jester who thought it'd be funny.

The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe ?That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby.Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread.

But our nature's to love, not to distrust.

So we hugged the fat Claus's and finished each crust.

Ignorant to what would soon transpireWe'd collapse in heaps by the crackling fire.

Expecting the old man to come flying backAnd start making next years toys for his sack.

But how does he have enough sprites for his belly?The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly.

That ferments inside his wife until it's a broth Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth. And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb.

Don't understand: their workshop is really a tomb Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust.

Santa doesn't hate them ? he's cursed with a lust.

Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E We're awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity, We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast But casserole is how Santa likes us the most.

Barbequed, fricasseed, or flambed Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed.

Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious And it's not like toy-happy children will miss us. Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan! Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan! Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph.

I'm sorry you're dead, you wonderful elf.

A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated.

As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly gestated And all that is left of my cherubic siblings. Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots ? mostly elf things So much for good cheer! But don't shed a tear: This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years.

And as the fist to survive Father's murderous rout In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out."

Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk (Yeah, I wish I'd have saved all or some of my folk) I now have a tan where the rum's in supply.

Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.

Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurting– even the mouse.

The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.

Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor, while
Upstairs the family continued to snore.

And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
Went into the kitchen and started to clean.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.

The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said “U.S. POSTMAN.”

With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.

Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:

“Now Dillard’s, now Broadway’s, now Penny’s and Sears
Here’s Levitz’s and Target’s and Mervyn’s — all here!!

To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway-chargeaway-chargeaway all!”

He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.

He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.

Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
“ENJOY WHAT YOU GOT … YOU’LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!”

One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties.

As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given the children for Christmas.

The next Christmas things were a little different, however.

“The children came over in person to thank me for the generous Christmas gifts” the grandparent told a friend triumphantly.

“How wonderful!” the friend exclaimed. “What do you think caused the change in behavior?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the grandmother replied. “This year I didn’t sign the checks.”

Merry Christmas

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.

Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, “Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?”

The little boy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

The boy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother this Christmas.”

The second said, “For Christmas I sent her a Mercedes.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat this Christmas. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible for Christmas this year. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Dear Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built for me at Christmas is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!”

“Dear Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes.”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was Dee-licious!”

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies, Air defences were up, with electronic eyes. Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds, As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube, Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense That nothing that flew could slip through our defence.

When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash, Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

And there found the source of the warning we’d heeded: An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded. “Alert status red!” went the word down the wire, As we gave every system the codes that meant “FIRE!”

On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk! And scramble our fighters–let’s send the whole flock!
Launch decoys and missiles! Use chaff by the yard! Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged. Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged, And the sky was lit up with a demonic light, As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

So we sent out some recon to look for debris, Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot, Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer’s parachute. Now it isn’t quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down. There are unhappy kids in each village and town. For the Spirit of Christmas can’t hope to evade
All the web of defences we’ve carefully made.

But a crash program’s on: Working hard, night and day, All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh. So let’s wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health, For the future has hope: Santa’s coming by stealth!

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. “What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well, give me 30 Catholic, 10 Baptist ones, 20 Lutheran, and 40 Presbyterian.”

A few days after Christmas, my six year son and I were talking. He asked, “Mom, is there a Santa Claus?”

“Well, what do you think?” I asked him.

He replied, “Well, my Playstation that I got and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper.”

He thought for a minute and said, “I’ll tell you what … you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let’s just forget we ever had this talk!”

Christmas Joke 1
What do monkeys sing at Christmas ? Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

Christmas Joke 2
Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ? They both drop their needles !

Christmas Joke 3
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ? Thanks, I ll never part with it !

Christmas Joke 4
Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ? Beacause a little water ends both of them !

Christmas Joke 5
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ? A pineapple !

Christmas Joke 6
What do you give a train driver for Christmas ? Platform shoes !

Christmas Joke 7
What happens to you at Christmas ? Yule be happy !

Christmas Joke 8
Can I have a broken drum for Christmas? The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!

Christmas Joke 9
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective ? Santa Clues !

Christmas Joke 10
Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !

Christmas Joke 11
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? Santapplause !

Christmas Joke 12
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ? Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe

Christmas Joke 13
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ? Because they both have “Sandy claws” !

Christmas Joke 14
What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ? Santa pause !

Christmas Joke 15
What’s fat and jolly and runs on eight wheels? Father Christmas on roller skates!

Christmas Joke 16
Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys? Because they soot him!

Christmas Joke 17
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas ? No you can have turkey like everyone else !

Christmas Joke 18
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ? My pop is bigger than yours !

Christmas Joke 19
Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey – he’s always stuffed !

Christmas Joke 20
What bird has wings but cannot fly ? Roast turkey !

Christmas Joke 21
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake ? Your teeth !

Christmas Joke 22
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !

Christmas Joke 23
Did you hear about the stupid turkey? It was looking forward to Christmas!

Christmas Joke 24
How to cats greet each other at Christmas ? “A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year” !

Christmas Joke 25
Father Christmas lost his umbrella but he didn’t get wet! Why not? Because it wasn’t raining!

Christmas Joke 26
What do you get hanging from Father Christmas roof? Tired arms!

Christmas Joke 27
How do you make a slow reindeer fast ? Don’t feed it !

Christmas Joke 28
Why are Father Christmas reindeer like a cricket match? Because they re both stopped by the rein.

Christmas Joke 29
What does Father Christmas call that reindeer with no eyes? No-eyed-deer!

Christmas Joke 30
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ? It’s Christmas, Eve !

Christmas Joke 31
What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other month ? The letter “D” !

Christmas Joke 32
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !

Christmas Joke 33
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ? Black mail !

Christmas Joke 34
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ? Stacks !

Christmas Joke 35
Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball !

Christmas Joke 36
How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ? Chick to chick !

Christmas Joke 37
Did you hear about Dracula’s Christmas party ? It was a scream !

Christmas Joke 38
What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ? Fancy a bite ?

Christmas Joke 39
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ? He had no body to go with !

Christmas Joke 40
Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I m a Christmas bell! Just take these pills – and, if they don’t work, give me a ring!

Christmas Joke 41
Doctor, Doctor, with all the excitement of Christmas I can’t sleep. Try lying on the edge of your bed…you ll soon drop off!

Christmas Joke 42
Doctor, Doctor I m scared of Father Christmas Doctor: You re suffering from Claus-trophobia.

Christmas Joke 43
My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it! Doctor: Try this medicine…and if it doesn’t work come back and bring me a new video camera.

Christmas Joke 44
I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!

Christmas Joke 45
I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are ugly, But if beauty’s skin deep then they were was born inside out!

Christmas Joke 46
I wouldn’t say that Christmas gnomes are cross-eyed, but when they cry the tears run down their back!

Christmas Joke 47
What do gnomes fear most about Christmas? They re afraid Father Christmas will give them the sack!

Christmas Joke 48
Father Christmas: How do I stop a Christmas Gnome being airsick on the sledge? Gnome : Put a five pound note between his teeth and stick his head over the side of the sledge.

Christmas Joke 49
What song do Father Christmas gnomes sing to him when he comes home cold on Christmas night? Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Christmas Joke 50
What’s a ghosts favourite Christmas entertainment ? A phantomime !

Christmas Joke 51
Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I m back in the right row!

Christmas Joke 52
Father Christmas: All right, my good lady, my face is my ticket. Box office attendant: Then you d better watch out… there’s a feller inside who has the job of punching the tickets.

Christmas Joke 53
Father Christmas: What’s your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean Ghoul-di-locks !

Christmas Joke 54
Father Christmas:I like the story about the girl who steals from the rich and gives it all to Granny. Elf: That’s Little Red Robin Hood !

Christmas Joke 55
Father Christmas: What’s your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one where the three creatures are scared of the Big Bad Wolf and they grow on trees! Father Christmas: You mean The Three Little Figs .

Christmas Joke 56
Elf: My favourite film is about the man who casts spells in the middle of a swamp. Father Christmas: That’s called The Wizard of Ooze !

Christmas Joke 57
Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!

Christmas Joke 58
What’s Scrooge’s favourite Christmas game? Mean-opoly.

Christmas Joke 59
What’s a hairdressers’s favourite Christmas song? Oh comb all ye faithful

Christmas Joke 60
A football supporter’s favourite Christmas song? Yule never walk alone

Christmas Joke 61
A rabbit’s favourite Christmas song? Lettuce with a gladsome mind

Christmas Joke 62
Who delievers cat’s Christmas presents ? Santa Paws !

Christmas Joke 63
Who delievers elephants’s Christmas presents? Elephanta Claus !

Christmas Joke 64
What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis!

Christmas Joke 65
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses at the beach ? Because he didn’t want to be recognised !

Christmas Joke 66
What reindeer can jump higher than a house? They all can! Houses can’t jump!

Christmas Joke 67
Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that! Oh, yes I can. the elf said. Because tow Eds are better than one, of course!

Christmas Joke 68
Father Christmas has two reindeer. He calls one Edward and the other one Edward! I bet you can’t tell me why he does that! Oh, yes I can. the elf said. Because tow Eds are better than one, of course!

Christmas Joke 69
Dear Father Christmas, this Christmas could you please send me a yellow door. Yours, Sherlock Holmes Watson: So why do you want a yellow door Holmes? Lemon-entry my dear watson.

Christmas Joke 70
Dear Father Christmas, could you please send me some Crocodile shoes!. Father Christmas: Can’t do that one. He hasn’t said what size his crocodile takes!

Christmas Joke 71
What’s Christmas called in England ? Yule Britannia !

Christmas Joke 72
What’s Tarzan’s favourite Christmas song? Jungle bells.

Christmas Joke 73
How long does it take to burn a candle down ? About a wick !

Christmas Joke 74
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ? Santa Jaws !

Christmas Joke 75
One time Father Christmas lost his underpants. That’s how he got the name Saint Knickerless!

Christmas Joke 76
What does Father Christmas call his money ? Iced lolly ?

Christmas Joke 77
I remember when Father Christmas first passed his sleigh-driving test. He came skidding down in front of the toy factory. Have you passed? I asked. Father Christmas pointly proudly to the front of the sleigh. See for yourself! he called proudly. No-el plates!

Christmas Joke 78
A group of mountain climbers once heard Father Christmas go past. They must have had sharp ears! They were mountain-ears!

Christmas Joke 79
Father Christmas: I thought I asked you to go out there and clear the snow! I m on my way, Father Christmas. Father Christmas: But you only have one welly on! That’s all right! There’s only one foot of snow!

Christmas Joke 80
I’ve had a slight accident with your sleigh, Father Christmas! Father Christmas: Oh no! That sleigh was in mint condition! That’s all right….now it’s a mint with a hole!

Christmas Joke 81
What does Dracula write on his Christmas cards ? Best vicious of the season

Christmas Joke 82
How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe

Christmas Joke 83
Doctor, Doctor, Father Christmas gives us oranges every Christmas. Now I think I m turning into an orange! Have you tried playing squash?

Christmas Joke 84
Who made this Christmas pudding? Our chef. He’s a little green man who lives in a toadstool. What did he use to make it? Elf-raising flour, of course.

Christmas Joke 85
Last year’s Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean. That’s probably why the ocean’s full of currants!

Christmas Joke 86
What can Santa give away and still keep? A cold.

Christmas Joke 87
ELF: Santa, one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen.

Christmas Joke 88
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

Christmas Joke 89
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? A subordinate claus.

Christmas Joke 90
Why does Santa’s sled get such good mileage? Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

Christmas Joke 91
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

Christmas Joke 92
JUDY: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? MIKE: We ll have a boo Christmas without you.

Christmas Joke 93
ELF NO. 1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF NO. 2: Okay everyone, sack time!!

Christmas Joke 94
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

Christmas Joke 95
Who sings “Love me tender”, and makes Christmas toys? Santa’s little Elvis.

Christmas Joke 96
Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? “Rude”olph

Christmas Joke 97
What is the cow’s holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!

Christmas Joke 98
What does Santa say when he is sick? OH OH NO!

Christmas Joke 99
How does Santa Claus take pictures? With his North Pole-aroid.

Christmas Joke 100
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

Christmas Joke 101
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

Christmas Joke 102
What was wrong with the boy’s brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas? Forty feet of track – all straight!

Christmas Joke 103
What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas? It was wound up already.

Christmas Joke 104
Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn’t buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. You re getting your Christmas present a week early this year, her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. Is that what you want? The little girl said, It’s wonderful, mother…just what I wanted. There’s just one thing wrong!

Christmas Joke 105
It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. “Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?” Well, Santa is very busy and so he’s slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, “Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I m trying to get some work done.” He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. “Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?” Santa snaps, “Stick em in the sleigh! Can’t you see I m trying to get ready? I don’t want any more interruptions!” But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, “Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?” And this is where we get the tradition of placing an ange l on top of the Christmas tree.

Christmas Joke 106
Why did your boyfriend return his Christmas tie? “He said it was too tight.”

Christmas Joke 107
Why was Santa’s little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

Christmas Joke 108
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle.

Christmas Joke 109
What’s the most popular wine at Christmas? “I don’t like sprouts!”

Christmas Joke 110
Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations? Santa Clues.

Christmas Joke 111
Why is it so cold at Christmas? It’s in Decembrrrrr.

Christmas Joke 112
Did you hear that one of Santa’s reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true….Comet cleans sinks!

Christmas Joke 113
Why does Santa Claus only have seven reindeer? Because Prancer moved in with a hairdresser in Beverly Hills.

Christmas Joke 114
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Christmas Joke 115
What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window? “Looks like rein dear”

Mark your calendar with the multitude of holidays to celebrate. Here”s just a few of our favorites…

Seasonal Affective Disorder Day: January 2
With Christmas and New Years a thing of the past, now it”s time to celebrate the long, cold, gray winter months that loom ahead.

The Day the Music Died Day: February 3
Write a sappy song about an important cultural tragedy that will annoy bar patrons for generations.

National Jingoism & Violence Day: February 4
Collect a group of two dozen or so well-trained men assigned to represent your city or region. Face off against another such group of well-trained men. Beat the living sh*t out of each other. (aka Superbowl Sunday)

Soy Bomb: February 25
Celebrate the “spontaneous explosion of the self” by dancing like an *sshole on live television.

Reverse Cowgirl Day: March 3
Honoring a woman”s right to choose positions. (formerly Women”s Suffrage Day)

Hale-Bopp Day: March 22
Remember 1997? Best year EVAR? Well, things won”t be that good until 4380, so your cult will have to wait for its next mass suicide.

International 420 Day: April 20
Dude!

Mission Accomplished Day: May 1
Celebrate the United States” quick and clean victory in Iraq.

Jim Belushi Day: June 15
Hire your brother to do something he”s not qualified to do. (aka National Nepotism Day)

Mike Tyson Day: June 30
Threaten to eat someone”s children while feasting on delicious elephant ear pastries.

Transfomers Day: July 4
Make your pilgrimage to the multiplex as Michael Bay rapes your fondest Saturday morning cartoon memories. Clutch your vintage Rodimus Prime toy while mumbling “You”ve Got the Touch.”

Los Alamos Day: July 16
Celebrate the first ever nuclear explosion near Alamogordo in 1945 by blowing some sh*t up. (aka Trinity Day, Oppenheimer Day, I Am Become Death Day)

Self-Love Day: July 26
Enjoy the company of the person you love best in the recesses of your favorite public place. May we suggest Barnes & Noble? (aka Paul Reubens Day, Pee Wee”s Play Day)

Adult Swim Day: September 2
Skip work, get high and watch Space Ghost until you pass out.

National Accessory Day: September 14
In appreciation of the belt, the hat, the handbag and, most importantly, the scarf. It was on this day in 1927 that famed modern dancer Isadora Duncan”s scarf sealed its importance in the annals of history by wrapping itself around the axel of a car and broke its owner”s neck.

Seat Belt Remembrance Day: September 30
What better way to celebrate the life (and, more specifically, death) of legendary actore and motor enthusiast James Dean, than with a holiday remembering seat belts?

Ted Haggard’s Gay Republican Day: November 1
Purchase recreational drugs from your favorite same-sex prostitute, but don”t pay for intercourse. That would be hypocritical.

Mutilated Nipple Day: November 4
Legend has it that this holiday originated way back in 2004 when actress Tara Reid bravely unleashed her mangled areola upon a pack of ravenous paparazzi and saved the world from something or other.

The Clinton/Lewinsky Blowjob Joke Appreciation Day: November 15
On this day, stand-up comedians and late-night talk show hosts around the nation celebrate the greatest gift that was ever given unto them.

Autoerotic Asphyxiation Day: November 22
Things to do today: fashion yourself a festive Asphyxophilia Noose, masturbate, listen to INXS”s Kick twenty-two times on repeat. (aka Michael Hutchence Memorial Day)

Britney Beaver Day: November 27
Today, innocent girls all around the world flash their junk.

National Cruise Day: November 29
Fun activities: Plan a cruise with two of your favorite loved ones, get drunk, go for a swim when no one is looking. (aka What Really Happened to Natalie Wood Day)

Fingering the Starfruit Day: December 2
On this day in 1978, 150 pedophilic freedom fighters attended the first meeting of the North American Man/Boy Love Association (or NAMBLA).

Entropy Day: December 30
Holy sh*t! Did another f**king year come and go already?

December 14, 1972

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always, Agnes

December 15, 1972

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love, Agnes

December 16, 1972

Dear John:

Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

All my love, Agnes

December 17, 1972

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 1972

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love, Agnes

December 19, 1972

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 1972

John:

What’s with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There’s bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 1972

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass.

Agnes

December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours! Agnes

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick:

Now there’s ten ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.

I’m calling the police on you! Agnes

December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead:

What’s with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy, Agnes

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole

A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.

As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, “I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn’t a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn’t there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!”

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid. Sing along with these new takes on old favorites:

Funny Christmas Carol 1
Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

Funny Christmas Carol 2
He’s makin’ a list, chicken and rice.

Funny Christmas Carol 3
Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

Funny Christmas Carol 4
Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

Funny Christmas Carol 5
On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Funny Christmas Carol 6
We three kings of porridge and tar

Funny Christmas Carol 7
With the jelly toast proclaim

Christmas was finally over and the Pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy! Am I ever tried.”

Her husband looked over at her and said, “I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, and give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”

“Dear,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.

Sing along with these new takes on old caroling favorites:

- Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

- Come, froggy faithful

- You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

- Sleep in heavenly peas

- Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

- Olive, the other reindeer.

- In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

- You’ll go down in listerine

- Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

A blonde goes into a library and says, “Hello. I’m here to see the doctor.”

The librarian replies, “This is a library.”

So the blonde lowers her voice and says, “Oh sorry!” Then whispers, “I’m here to see the doctor.”

Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright, though had lovely long blond heair. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general gofer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee.

He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Good,” Freddie said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

Two dumb blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the dumb blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: ”Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”

The bus driver shakes his head and says, ”No, I’m sorry.”

At this the other dumb blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ”Will it take ME?”

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim?”

Suddenly the brunette yells, “EARTHQUAKE!!!”

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim?”

Suddenly the redhead yells, “TORNADO!!!”

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready! Aim?”

And the blonde yells, “FIRE!!!”

A young sexy blonde went to Las Vegas and found herself in a casino.

She had been in the casino for about an hour, and realized she was thirsty.

So the blonde went to the pop machine in the hall.

She put $1.00 in and a Pepsi came out, she put another $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out, she put one last $1.00 in and another Pepsi came out.

A man who worked at the casino saw what the dumb blond was doing and asked her “What are you doing?”

The sexy dumb blonde responded “Duh!! Winning!!!”

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

One day, a very attractive dumb blonde undergraduate visited the professor’s office. The blonde under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee “accidentally”, etc.

Finally, the dumb blonde said, “Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I’ll do anything you suggest.”

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, “Anything?”

To which the dumb blonde undergradute cooed, “Yes, anything you say.”

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, “What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?”

The dumb student lied, “Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then.”

The professor then advised, “Excellent! Professor Potter is holding a help session for his students. Why don’t you attend that.”

A dumb blonde was in a casino for the first time.

A dumb blonde was in a casino for the very first time.

The spinning ball of the roulette wheel caught her eye so she decides to play at the roulette table.

The dumb blonde not understanding the rules says, “I have no idea what number to play?”

A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.

Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 24.

The roulette wheel is spun, and 39 comes up!

The smile drifts from the blonde’s face and she faints from the shock.

A dumb blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The dumb blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it.

So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them!

So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is going to be loud!”

A young blonde college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad knowing how dumb his blonde daughter is.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” the blonde sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ”I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?”
”Why sure,” said the manager, ”we have something that works especially well for that.”

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ”No, no! A little to the left,” said the other blonde inside the car.

Rating: 4.3
Comment: This unique joke just shows that even if two blondes are working on an situation, the solution still isn’t any smarter.

Two dumb blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.

Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other dumb blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,

“HURRY, HURRY, IT’S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!”

Two blonde friends, Jenny and Jane, went together to play the slot machines at the casino.

The blondes agreed that when their allotted gambling money was gone, she would go sit on the beach and wait for the other to finish gambling.

Jane quickly lost all of her money and went to sit on the beach.

The blonde patiently waited and waited and waited and waited on the beach.

After what seemed an eternity, she saw her blonde friend Jenny coming toward her carrying a huge sack of coins!

“Hey, Jane,” said Jenny, “how’d you do?”

“Well, Jenny”, said Jane, “you see me here on the beach, what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.”

“Oh yeah,” said Jenny, “did I find a good slot machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you, you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, “Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?”

The blonde said, “I’m sorry sir, but wherever I go, there’s always a tree in front of me and I can’t seem to get away from it!”

The cop looked at her and said, “Lady, that’s your air freshener!”

A blonde was at home watching TV with her friends when she heard a noise. She ran out just in time to see a thief drive off in her car.

“Did you see their face?” her friends asked when she came back inside.

“No, but it’s okay — I got the license plate number!”

Rating: 4.1
Comment: Seems like the silly thing a blonde would do, follow the advice of the police to the letter and grab her own licence plate number. Though in the real world this would have come in handy for the police to track the car down.

Some more quick Dumb Blonde jokes to make you laugh.

Dumb Blonde Title: Adventures in Disneyland
Rating: 4/5

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: “Disneyland Left.”
So they went home.

Dumb Blonde Title: Confusing Blonde
Rating: 4/5

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.

Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She comes out and says she did.

Dumb Blonde Title: 911
Rating: 3.8/5

Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
She can’t find the eleven.

Dumb Blonde Title: Blonde Diet
Rating: 3.8/5
There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice. He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days “Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day.”

So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.

The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, “How is your diet?”

She said, “Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired.”

One day this cop pulls over a dumb blonde for speeding.

The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.

”You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.”

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!”

Rating: 3.4
Comment: Shows the 3 year old brain of an blonde, as that’s is something a little kid would do; ignore the real problem and concentrate on something else.

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, “You wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”

The person replies, “I am 240 pounds, world kick boxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that dumb blonde joke?”

The man thinks for a while and replies, “Not if I have to explain the joke three times!!!”

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”

To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.”

A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, “I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?”

“Why sure,”; said the manager, “we have something that works especially well for that.”

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice.

“No, no! A little to the left,” said the other dumb blonde inside the car.

A dumb fat blonde read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and drinking too much booze and it scared the heck out of her!

The fat blonde decided, “That’s it!”

After today, no more reading.

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table for gamblers.

A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The blonde says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier gambling when I’m bottomless.”

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice on the craps table while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!”

She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the craps dealers. “YES! I WIN! I WIN!”

With that the blonde picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves the casino.

The casino dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded.

Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?”

The other answers, “I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching!”

Q: What did the blonde customer say after reading the buxom waitress' nametag?

A: “'Debbie'…that's cute. What did you name the other one?''

Knock Knock
Who’s there?

Yo mama.

Yo mama who?

Yo blonde redneck mama who crossed the road to walk into a bar and screw in a lightbulb – you know your fat, dumb, drunk, crooked-politician lawyer mama, who pleasures 12 inch pianists.

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, “I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA.” Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, “I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA.”

The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, “Thank you so much,” hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, “I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA.”