A pirate walks into a bar with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “You shouldn’t be that close to something so disgusting, such a low-life animal.”
The pirate says, “Arr, it’s ok, he’s had his shots.”
Then the bartender says, “I was talking to the parrot!”
Funny Animal Joke 1
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
Funny Animal Joke 2
Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Funny Animal Joke 3
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Funny Animal Joke 4
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Funny Animal Joke 5
Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Funny Animal Joke 6
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Funny Animal Joke 7
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Funny Animal Joke 8
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Funny Animal Joke 9
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Funny Animal Joke 10
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
Funny Animal Joke 11
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
Funny Animal Joke 12
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
Animal Truism Joke 01
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
Animal Truism Joke 02
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
Animal Truism Joke 03
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Animal Truism Joke 04
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Animal Truism Joke 05
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
Animal Truism Joke 06
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Animal Truism Joke 07
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Animal Truism Joke 08
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
Animal Truism Joke 09
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
Animal Truism Joke 10
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Animal Truism Joke 11
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
Three laboratory rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
“I’m gonna go back to that field of carrots,” says one.
“I’m gonna go back to those cute little rabbits,” says the second.
“I’m going back to the lab,” says the third. “I’m dying for a cigarette.”
A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, “Not until you feed the animals.”
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, “I don't feel like feeding you today.” So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, “I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon.”
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, “Mom should I tell him?”
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared.
The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, “Sir, what are you doing!?!”
The man turned toward the teller and said, “Oh, nothing – just looking around.”
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, “Oh, oh!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!”, says the leopard, “That was close! That poodle nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!”
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.
“Where’s that damn monkey?” the poodle says, “I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”
Aardvark Joke 1
What is uglier than an aardvark? Two aardvarks!
Aardvark Joke 2
What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!
Aardvark Joke 3
What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote? One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!
Aardvark Joke 4
Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants? Ronald MacAardvark!
Aardvark Joke 5
What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium? An aard-shark!
Aardvark Joke 6
What does an aardvark get when he overeats? Ant-digestion!
Aardvark Joke 7
What does an aardvark take for ant-digestion? Anta-Seltzer!
Aardvark Joke 8
Who’s the aardvark’s favorite female vocalist? Bearbara Streis-ant!
Aardvark Joke 9
Who’s aardvark’s favorite male singer? Frank Sinostril!
Aardvark Joke 10
What are the aardvark’s favorite Beatle’s songs? It’s Been an Aards Day’s Night and I Want to Hold Your Ant!
Aardvark Joke 11
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? An aardvark with the sniffles!
Aardvark Joke 12
What does an aardvark use when he has a cold? An ant-ihistamine!
Aardvark Joke 13
What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails? Snout about!
Aardvark Joke 14
What does the aardvark take sailing? An aard ark!
Aardvark Joke 15
How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!
Aardvark Joke 16
Why do aardvarks like to talk to ants? They can stick to the subject!
Aardvark Joke 17
Why was Easter the aardvark’s favorite holiday? Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!
Aardvark Joke 18
What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and is very loud? A herd of stampeding aardvarks!
Aardvark Joke 19
Where does the aardvark family always come first? In the phone book!
Aardvark Joke 20
What do you call a boxing match between two aardvarks? A snout bout!
Aardvark Joke 21
What do you call an aardvark that’s just won a fight? A well aardvark!
Aardvark Joke 22
What do you call an aardvark that’s just lost a fight? A vark!
Aardvark Joke 23
What do you call an aardvark that’s been thrown out of a pub? A barredvark!
Aardvark Joke 24
What do you call an aardvark outside Buckingham Palace? A guardvark!
Aardvark Joke 25
What do you call an aardvark in a frying pan? A lardvark!
Aardvark Joke 26
What do you call a pickled aardvark? A jarredvark!
Aardvark Joke 27
What do you call an aardvark that plays poker? A cardvark!
Aardvark Joke 28
What do you call a thick-skinned aardvark? A hardvark!
Aardvark Joke 29
What do you call an aardvark good with a light saber? A darthvark!
Aardvark Joke 30
What do you call an aardvark that writes poems? A bardvark!
Aardvark Joke 31
Why can elephants swim – and aardvarks can t? Aardvarks don’t have trunks!
Aardvark Joke 32
What did the aardvark say when he lost the race to the ant? If you can’t beat em, eat em!
Aardvark Joke 33
Who won the animal race? The giraffe and the aardvark were running neck and neck, but the aardvark won by a nose!
Aardvark Joke 34
Why does mama aardvark call her husband a cannibal? Because he ate his ant for dinner!
Aardvark Joke 35
When is an aardvark jumpy? When he’s got ants in his pants!
Aardvark Joke 36
Why do aardvarks make undesirable neighbors? Because they always have their noses in other people’s business!
Aardvark Joke 37
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A yardvark!
Aardvark Joke 38
What do you call an road construction aardvark? A tarredvark!
Aardvark Joke 39
What do you call an aardvark astronaut? A starredvark!
Aardvark Joke 40
What do you call an aardvark that’s good at golf? A paredvark!
Aardvark Joke 41
How many aardvarks can ride on an elephant? Six… three on the back and three in the trunk!
Aardvark Joke 42
What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant, sir!
Aardvark Joke 43
What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!
Aardvark Joke 44
Who has a long nose, wears a mask, and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark!
Aardvark Joke 45
Who is the Lone Aardvark’s faithful Indian companion? Tanto
Aardvark Joke 46
Two aardvarks watched in amazement as a firework flashed across the sky. 1st aardvark: Wow! I wish I could fly like that. 2nd aardvark: You would, if your tail was on fire.
Aardvark Joke 47
I’ve got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don’t really know. I’ve heard it growling, it doesn’t sound very friendly. Does it bite? That’s what I want to find out.
Aardvark Joke 48
What has six legs, two arms, four eyes and a tail? A man holding an aardvark.
Aardvark Joke 49
A man wanted a new aardvark so he looked through the classified ads. He phoned a number he found and an elderly lady answered. “How much are your aardvarks?” he asked. “They re L6 each,” came the reply. “Did you raise them yourself?” inquired the man. “Oh yes,” she said, “Yesterday they were only L5 each.”
Aardvark Joke 50
How do you define an aardvark? Aan aanimal that resembles an aanteater!
Aardvark Joke 51
Which aardvark holds the speed record? The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!
Aardvark Joke 52
Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It’s the VCRdvard
A frog walks into a bank and asks the teller, “Who do I talk to about getting a loan?” The teller shows him to the office of the loans manager, Ms. Patricia Black.
“I would like a loan for $20.00 to buy a new lily pad,” the frog tells her.
“Do you have any collateral?” asks Ms. Black.
The frog produces a small statuette of the Eiffel Tower with the inscription “Souvenir of Paris” engraved on the base. Unsure whether or not the object is worth the amount of the loan, she summons the bank manager.
The manager inspects the trinket, nods his head, and says, “It’s a knick-knack, Patty Black – give the frog a loan.”
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny.
He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away.
Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again.
Now the man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles.
She smiles at him and says, ''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have.”
''Anything?'' he says, getting fairly excited.
''Yes, anything.'' she replies.
So he says, ''Will you hold the donkey!?''
There was a chicken and a horse playing together on a farm one day. The horse fell into a mud pit and yelled to the chicken to run to the house and get the farmer. The chicken ran to the house and the farmer was nowhere to be found. So, it got into the farmer’s BMW and pulled the horse out with it.
The next day the chicken and the horse were playing on the farm again. This time the chicken fell into the mud pit and yelled to the horse to get help. So, the horse stood over the mud pit and told the chicken to grab on to his penis and he’d pull him out. The chicken grabbed on and, indeed, the horse pulled him out.
The moral of the story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Potato Joke 01
How do you describe an angry potato? Boiling Mad.
Potato Joke 02
What do you call a baby potato? A small fry!
Potato Joke 03
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
Potato Joke 04
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful? It’s mashing!
Potato Joke 05
Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead.
Potato Joke 06
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a commentator.
Potato Joke 07
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
“Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.
Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
“It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish. And now that you’ve decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence … listen good because I’m only going to say this one more time…”
“I haven’t made the darned porridge yet!”
A man walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Don’t touch the purple monkey up in room 222.” The man sneered and went straight up to room 222 and opened the door. There sitting right in front of him was a purple monkey.
The man laughed again and touched the monkey. He then started down the stairs…the monkey was following him. The man went outside and got into his jeep. The monkey got in the back seat. The man ignored him.
Later the man drove to the Eiffel Tower. The man got out of the car and the monkey followed. Later the man finally reached the top, but the monkey was right behind him.
The man just burst and yelled, “What do you want!”
The monkey came up to him and said, “Tag…you’re it.
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, “Some things you just can't explain.
This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can’t explain!
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I've just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That's because he's inside your stupid cat.”
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think the rabbit died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that our rabbit died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave the dead rabbit a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”
Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper.
The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.
Now the barman figures the horse isn’t that bright, so he decides to pull the old ‘short-change’ trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn’t say a word.
The horse eventually finishes his beer and goes up to the bar to order another. The bartender says to him, “Y’know, we don’t get many horses in here.”
To which the horse replies, “At nine dollars a beer, I’m not surprised!”
A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags!
“Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband.
“To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!”
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
“What do you think you are doing?” she screamed.
“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1,000 a year!”
Funny Adult Joke 1
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in fifth grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she’s 18.
Funny Adult Joke 2
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.
Funny Adult Joke 3
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!
Funny Adult Joke 4
Define “Egghead:”
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Funny Adult Joke 5
Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!
Funny Adult Joke 6
Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
He got the sack.
Funny Adult Joke 7
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Funny Adult Joke 8
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer’s patients?
They hid their own eggs!
Funny Adult Joke 9
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Funny Adult Joke 10
Did you hear about the gay guy that’s on the patch?
He’s down to four butts a day.
Funny Adult Joke 11
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Funny Adult Joke 12
Did you hear about the kid napping?
Yeah, he woke up!
Funny Adult Joke 13
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
Funny Adult Joke 14
Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.
Funny Adult Joke 15
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
Funny Adult Joke 16
Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
They’re going to call her Old Spice.
Funny Adult Joke 17
Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?
Yeah…now he has no ears.
Funny Adult Joke 18
Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife…
A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.
Funny Adult Joke 19
Do you know how to eat a frog?
You put one leg over each ear.
Funny Adult Joke 20
Have you heard about the new ‘Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They’re called ‘Predickamints’
Funny Adult Joke 21
Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
Funny Adult Joke 22
How are men like noodles?
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Funny Adult Joke 23
How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Funny Adult Joke 24
How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Funny Adult Joke 25
How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.
Funny Adult Joke 26
How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.
Funny Adult Joke 27
How can you tell if you have acne?
If the blind can read your face.
Funny Adult Joke 28
How can you tell she’s a macho women?
She rolls her own tampons.
Funny Adult Joke 29
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.
Funny Adult Joke 30
How did the tugboat get AIDS?
It was rear-ended by a ferry.
Funny Adult Joke 31
How do lesbians handle their liquor?
By the ears. (Lick her)
Funny Adult Joke 32
How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Funny Adult Joke 33
How do you get four old ladies to shout “Fuck”?
Get a fifth old lady to shout “Bingo!”
Funny Adult Joke 34
How do you know a man is really a bad dancer?
When he can still step on Dolly Parton’s toes.
Funny Adult Joke 35
How do you know when a Barbie has her period?
All your tic tacks are gone.
Funny Adult Joke 36
How do you know when you are getting old?
When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.
Funny Adult Joke 37
How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Funny Adult Joke 38
How do you make a snooker table laugh.
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle its balls.
Funny Adult Joke 39
How do you turn a fox into an elephant
Marry it.
Funny Adult Joke 40
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Funny Adult Joke 41
How many animals can you get into a pair of tights?
10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.
Funny Adult Joke 42
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Funny Adult Joke 43
I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”
Funny Adult Joke 44
If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
The Captains Dinghy!
Funny Adult Joke 45
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Funny Adult Joke 46
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged
Funny Adult Joke 47
What did one tit say to the other?
I hope we get support soon or people will think we’re nuts.
Funny Adult Joke 48
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
“How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”
Funny Adult Joke 49
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breath through something so small?”
Funny Adult Joke 50
What did the potato chip say to the battery?
If you’re Eveready, I’m Frito Lay.
Funny Adult Joke 51
What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Funny Adult Joke 52
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Funny Adult Joke 53
What do an airport and a illegal abortion have in common?
The Hanger.
Funny Adult Joke 54
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
Funny Adult Joke 55
What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Funny Adult Joke 56
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid’s.
Funny Adult Joke 57
What do gay kids get for Christmas?
Erection Sets.
Funny Adult Joke 58
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
Funny Adult Joke 59
What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
No ball room
Funny Adult Joke 60
What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Funny Adult Joke 61
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand!
Funny Adult Joke 62
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor.
Funny Adult Joke 63
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
Funny Adult Joke 64
What do you call a truck full of dildos?
Toys for Twats
Funny Adult Joke 65
What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
The aids team.
Funny Adult Joke 66
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A salad shooter
Funny Adult Joke 67
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
Funny Adult Joke 68
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
Funny Adult Joke 69
What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor
Funny Adult Joke 70
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment?
Potpourri
Funny Adult Joke 71
What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?
Speed bumps.
Funny Adult Joke 72
What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A love call.
Funny Adult Joke 73
What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
Funny Adult Joke 74
What do you call three lesbians in bed together?
M�nage � twat.
Funny Adult Joke 75
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
Funny Adult Joke 76
What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur traders.
Funny Adult Joke 77
What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes.
Funny Adult Joke 78
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Yell at her.
Funny Adult Joke 79
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God’s gift?
Exchange him.
Funny Adult Joke 80
What do you find in a clean nose?
Fingerprints!
Funny Adult Joke 81
What do you get when you cross a brassiere with Texas?
Playtex.
Funny Adult Joke 82
What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
Dicktator
Funny Adult Joke 83
What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Funny Adult Joke 84
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
An itchy cock.
Funny Adult Joke 85
What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A cock that stays up all night.
Funny Adult Joke 86
What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.
Funny Adult Joke 87
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Funny Adult Joke 88
What do your parents’ car and testicles have in common?
Hit either one of them and you’re grounded.
Funny Adult Joke 89
What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
Depends!
Funny Adult Joke 90
What does a poof and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!
Funny Adult Joke 91
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.
Funny Adult Joke 92
What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
Push it aside and keep on eating…
Funny Adult Joke 93
What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
Funny Adult Joke 94
What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
Funny Adult Joke 95
What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
Thanks for coming.
Funny Adult Joke 96
What does tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ?
You don’t look down.
Funny Adult Joke 97
What doesn’t belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can’t beat a blowjob.
Funny Adult Joke 98
What goes: “CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?”
A blind person with a rubix cube.
Funny Adult Joke 99
What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!
Funny Adult Joke 100
What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can’t be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Funny Adult Joke 101
What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?
An elephant with diarrhea
Funny Rude Joke 1
Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.
Funny Rude Joke 2
Why can’t scientists find a cure for AIDS?
They can’t get the laboratory mice to arse fuck.
Funny Rude Joke 3
Why can’t women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Funny Rude Joke 4
Why did dinosaurs have sex under water?
You try to keep five hundred pounds of pussy wet!
Funny Rude Joke 5
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.
Funny Rude Joke 6
Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Funny Rude Joke 7
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Funny Rude Joke 8
Why did god give men penises?
So they’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
Funny Rude Joke 9
Why did God invent yeast infection?
So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying cunt.
Funny Rude Joke 10
why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
To see her crack
Funny Rude Joke 11
Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face moaning, “Lie to me!”
Funny Rude Joke 12
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick
Funny Rude Joke 13
Why did the boy fall off the swing?
He didn’t have any arms.
Funny Rude Joke 14
Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
He came home shit faced.
Funny Rude Joke 15
Why did the gay man take two aspirin with his Viagra?
So sex wouldn’t be such a pain in the arse.
Funny Rude Joke 16
Why did the lumber truck stop?
To let the lumber jack off.
Funny Rude Joke 17
Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
Funny Rude Joke 18
Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?
She wanted to mount the horse her way.
Funny Rude Joke 19
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Funny Rude Joke 20
Why do bunnies have soft sex?
They have cotton balls
Funny Rude Joke 21
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps?
So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Funny Rude Joke 22
Why do horny women order at Subway?
Footlongs
Funny Rude Joke 23
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Funny Rude Joke 24
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving
Funny Rude Joke 25
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls!
Funny Rude Joke 26
Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!
Funny Rude Joke 27
Why do women have 2% more brains then a cow?
So, when you pull their tits they won’t shit on the floor.
Funny Rude Joke 28
Why do women have arms?
Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?
Funny Rude Joke 29
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Funny Rude Joke 30
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
Funny Rude Joke 31
Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
Place to hang their air freshener.
Funny Rude Joke 32
Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !
Funny Rude Joke 33
Why do women wear black underwear?
They are mourning for the stiff they buried the night before.
Funny Rude Joke 34
Why does a bride smile when she’s walking down the aisle?
She knows she’s given her last blow job.
Funny Rude Joke 35
Why does a dog lick its penis?
Because it can’t make a fist.
Funny Rude Joke 36
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
They don’t stop for directions.
Funny Rude Joke 37
Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
Because you have to hollow the head out.
Funny Rude Joke 38
Why doesn’t Smokey the bear have any kids?
Because every time his wife gets hot, he covers her with dirt and beats her with a shovel.
Funny Rude Joke 39
Why don’t Canadians have group sex?
Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.
Funny Rude Joke 40
Why don’t little girls fart?
Because they don’t get assholes until they’re married.
Funny Rude Joke 41
Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
Funny Rude Joke 42
Why don’t witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
Better traction.
Funny Rude Joke 43
Why don’t women wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove!
Funny Rude Joke 44
Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
It doesn’t need cleaning.
Funny Rude Joke 45
Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
Women who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Funny Rude Joke 46
Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
Funny Rude Joke 47
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
Funny Rude Joke 48
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.
Funny Rude Joke 49
Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Funny Rude Joke 50
Why was Tigger’s head in the toilet?
He was looking for pooh!
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any chance of contact, which could happen pretty easily, since he had been desperate for quite a while.
Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire. Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of her night table, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.
“Awww, honey, you’re so depressed. Here, take this & go to the woman next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight. Remember, this happens only this once. OK?” The husband can’t believe his ears, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.
A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says dejectedly, “Crystal says this is not enough, she wants eighty.” The wife’s face slowly turns red with anger,
“Why that damn bitch! When she was pregnant & her husband came over here, I only charged him fifty.”
A PROSPEROUS businessman propositioned a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. When he was ready to leave in the morning, he told her that he didn’t have any money with him but he would have his secretary write a check for it and make it out as “RENT FOR APARTMENT”
On the way to the office, he decided that the whole thing wasn’t worth the price he had agreed to pay. So he advised his secretary to send the check for $250 and include the following note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed is my check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount we have agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression:
1. it had never been occupied.
2. it had never been occupied
3. it was small.
Last night, I found that it had been occupied, there wasn’t any heat and it was entirely too large.
Upon the receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check with the following note:
Dear Sir,
I am returning your check for $250. I can not understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it isn’t my fault if you didn’t have sufficient furniture to fill it in.
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard.
“I’m lost,” said the man.”Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“OK,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, had a fantastic figure and looked like Tera Patrick!!! She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
“Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
“Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
“Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.
The travelin’ Texan picked up a sweet young thang in a bar and after several rounds, ordered the biggest steaks they had. Later, they retired to his room, naturally the largest in the hotel.
As they undressed, he said, “I’m from Fort Worth, Texas, and we have the biggest of everything.” The girl only nodded and smiled.
As they began to make love, he exclaimed, “Golleeeee, lil’ Lady! What part of Texas y’all from?”
Three male work friends decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling.
After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their Vegas vacation.
The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second guy says “I know what you mean… my old lady played black jack the whole vacation and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole vacation and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It's a lot of money!”
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “I make bets.”
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president's balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.
“Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today, I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand.”
There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a Horse and they have a contest of it. Whoever will make the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free drinks.
So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.
The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house.
So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!!!
EEEEEEeeeeeeehhhh!!!
He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.
As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, “Will you be back tomorrow when we’ll have a new contest?” The guy replies” Of course this is easier money than my career.”
So the next night. The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse:
Whoever makes the Horse cry will win P10,000 and free beer from the house. The Bartender tells the guy,” Let me see you win this one.”
The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something. The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying.
When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says. ” Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?”
The guy lights a cigarette and says,” Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him “.
A couple placed an ad,
“Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter.”
RESPONSES.
American: Keep trying!
Briton: Change Doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ”Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
He continued, ”Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ”I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ”You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
“Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios…”
Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.
“Bartender,” she said. “I vill have unt cold beer, please.''
The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''
''Vell, fine, tanks,” she said, “Just unt leetle svetty.''
Pamela Anderson and the Queen of England die on the same day. As they are approaching the gates of heaven, God tells them that there is only ONE spot left.
Knowing this, Pamela decides to seduce God by showing her bare breasts.
God looks at them and says, “Very nice.”
“Does that mean I”m in?” says Pamela.
God looks over to his side and sees the Queen of England douching in the corner.
He looks back at Pamela and says, “Sorry, a royal flush always beats a pair.”
Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it to one side of her butt.
The next guy doesn’t want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her butt.
The third guy doesn’t want to be shown up but he doesn’t have any money. He thinks for a moment and suddenly he gets an idea. He walks over to the stripper, takes out his ATM card, slides it down the crack of her ass, takes his 150 dollars and goes home!