Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline. Please listen to our menu carefully, as our options may have changed.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4,5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want, so please stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
• If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
• If you are phobic, don't press anything.
• If you are anal-retentive, please hold.